Some people would look at me in disbelief when I told them that I, as a normal human being, feel insecure. Maybe not all the time, but the point is, I am not immune from insecurities.
WHEN IT BEGAN
I grew up in an amazing family – in a way that my parents would make sure that their children would grow up smart and happy. My parents sent me to the best affordable school and we lived in a decent house.
Other than that, my parents were not exactly the type who provided fancy things to the kids. Growing up as the youngest kid, I always got secondhand stuff from my brother and sister (we are 7 years apart, I have no idea how my mom still have all of that). Every time I walked in the mall and saw all these cute toys and pretty Barbie, she wouldn’t buy it for me. So all my clothes, toys and even bolster were the second-hands.
At the time, I attended international school where all kids had nice cars – meanwhile, I was dropped off to school with a delivery truck because my parents were (and still are) in the wholesale garment industry, which was why we had the car. I even had to take public transportation to go back home. I felt ashamed and asked to be dropped off at least 200 meters away from my school.
I grew up insecure. I felt that I was not worthy of having cool things – and scared that people wouldn’t want to be friends with me. I was bullied a lot by the girls in my school, because they felt that they have more power to do so.
But, on the side note, because my parents didn’t pamper me with all these fancy stuff, I become very hard working and independent. I told myself I would buy all the things that I wanted so that people won’t treat me badly like in the school. I aspired for people to recognize me and be friends with me for the cool things I have. From today’s point of view, it didn’t seem to make sense, but the point is, it shaped me to become who I am today.
Long story short, I become a fashion blogger. I got all the things that I’ve always wanted. In a glance, it seems like all girls’ dream. But there comes another challenge. Being a fashion blogger means exposing myself to everyone to see – or judge. What I wrote, said, and put out there are for all the world to enjoy (or again, judge).
Even worse, some people gossiped about me. They talked behind my back, and some of them said really harsh things about me. I knew that it was part of a occupational hazard, but I cried for a week straight. They said hurtful things that you wouldn’t want to hear as a woman.
HOW I TURNED TO THE ONLY ONE WHO MATTERS
Through everything, Kalvin stood by me. And this is the most important part in having a partner with the same core belief: to strengthen us in hard times. We talked about it and came to a conclusion that I couldn’t please everyone. But I can please God.
I realized that seeking securities in worldly stuff wouldn’t help me in any way. It wouldn’t give me power or happiness. But by pleasing God, I gained wisdom. If we are focused on the wisdom of God, if our lives are directed by His will, we can have a strong assurance. If we live in God’s way, we can enjoy God’s promises. He will give us strength, courage and security.
So here are a few things that help me overcome my insecurities:
Having my mind and heart in the right place
My job requires me to travel all the time. So letting God’s words sink into my heart despite my busy schedule is quite a challenge. My focus has to constantly be at the right place, or else it is very easy for me to stray away from God. I have to stop wasting time and energy looking for security from money, people, job, beauty, or anyone or anything else that’s not God Himself, who is the only true source of security. So managing my time wisely helps me a lot. I have to make effort for my quiet time with God, I have to be intimate with him and enjoy our 1-on-1 time together.
Having a community with the same value
It’s always important for me to get advice about my schedule and life from the right people. Every time I’m at a crossroad, I have these people that I trust to help me make the right decision. These people are the ones who are not afraid to rebuke me. I’m not perfect all the time and I need someone who look after me and make sure I’m always at the right path. So listen to advice from faithful people you respect and trust.
To be God dependent, not self reliance
We can always depend on God. Turning my worries into prayers instead of using my own strength is the key. Making a habit of praying about my concerns as soon as they come into my mind help me a lot. Always read and meditate on God’s promises from Scripture and Trust God to help me in every area of my life.